Confidently I handed her my business card, casually she handed me hers. Then, I cringed. An age-old terror of being “found out” gripped me. My blog. My current life’s work? A bit of a folly? What will a professional person make of it? Will they get it? Will they take me seriously or think me a fool? Do I care?
More to the point, do I take myself seriously or think myself a fool? Likely I take myself too seriously, and this makes me a fool.
I seem to always be re-inventing myself. In one of my incarnations, as the Director of the American Center in Moscow, I created a lecture series. Weekly a local personality would come and speak on a topic they were passionate about. The one I remember best was given by a colleague from the US Embassy, John, a career diplomat. His topic, ‘Reinventing yourself”. He positioned this as a positive characteristic, a healthy approach to life. At the time I felt confident and grateful for my capacity to reinvent.
Sometimes, I feel a bit tired and worn out from it. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is moving forward with exciting lives, and I am stuck in deep mud. A hundred projects going and still I fell as if I am standing still. The pressure I put on myself suffocating. Every time I sense myself as vulnerable, I jump to a new task. While everyone is baring their souls on social media, I am hovering on the edge, half in half out.
Recently in a morning meditation I had the sensation of just how many times I have been in the same space, reinventing myself. Business plans, lists, generous souls to support my various efforts, and a trail of false starts behind me.
Then something happened to remind me, everything has its time.
On the phone with a friend, I heard Claudio say, “She is good. She always invents something.”